Long, but very funny!

[Cannonballkev]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[jd30005]

Very funny.

[tjsahara00]

 //LMAO//

[kent10sne1]

yes, very funny

[Danny Kinder]

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

^^ Funny

[SemperFiArms]

When I was stationed in Yuma in the 80's, we had one of those gripes written up for power plants. Pilot wrote on MAF that he was "hearing a noise in the engine, sounds like little man with hammer". Power plants bore scoped the engine did low power and high power test and was not able to duplicate the gripe. For the corrective action they wrote, "found little man and took away hammer".

Another one was from air frames and the gripe was "joy stick seems loose". Air frames wrote back "tightened loose nut behind stick". I even had one in the Avionics shop. The gripe was radio was "weak with static". After a crap load of testing and not finding any problems. We finally got the pilots head set and checked the radios using it. Sure enough we were able to duplicate the problem. So we wrote it up and "found short between the head set".

*Note* The one about IFF is not from UPS as commercial aircraft do not have an IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) system. They have a different transponder that will emit a signal the identifies them as commercial. I'd heard that one when I was serving too.